The Ugly Side of Perfection

The battle of all or none.

Perfect.

It sounds nice and catchy to say, “Practice makes perfect.” Yet, does it? If so, wouldn’t it also be true to say, “Since it’s not perfect, you didn’t practice enough.”

So, what does practice do? Practice makes habit. Practice makes more honed skills. Practice shapes who you become. Practice reveals weaknesses. Practice creates opportunity for failure. Practice introduces routine. Practice highlights patterns. Practice does a lot. But perfect? Nope, it does not make that. It has taken me a long time to even begin to unpack this fundamental life lesson.

You practice what you want to get better at. You can strive for excellence without expecting perfection.

The trouble with perfection is that is so easily entangles you in a lie of worth. This idea that you gain worth by getting closer to perfection and loose worth by slipping further away from it. Then, the trap is set for the all-or-none mentality that locks us into indecisiveness or complete apathy. Is this or this the healthiest choice…I’ll wait to change until I figure out what is the absolute best choice. Or,  If I can’t be the best friend I can be, then why even try? Or, since I can’t get my exercise routine just right, I’ll perfect my lounging skills. How about this one, I just mess the relationship things up, so I’ll focus on killing it at this job or skill. Any of that sound familiar?

Going through life expecting to find that right fit that makes everything fall into place and be easy is simply unrealistic. Life does not work on the “practice makes perfect” line of thought. If it did, everything would be a matter of will power. It is not. Everything from genetics to circumstances to ability, gifts and talents goes into making life the amazing mess it often becomes.

I am far from perfect. Actually, I’m a hot mess. And that is ok. I’m learning to practice what I want to become better at without letting my value or worth even enter the equation.  That’s what I hope for you as well. That is why I’m even writing this. Perfectionism sneaks in and can zap your joy and enthusiasm for life in an instant. And it’s a sneaky bugger.

I never really considered myself a perfectionist (some of my family and friends may laugh out loud at that, but it’s true). You see, I thought a perfectionist was only preoccupied with everything looking put together and flashy for lack of a better word. My picture was that over-the-top movie character that had the complete matching ensemble with a different pair of sunglasses (because perfection requires only sunny days) to match each outfit and even their little dog matched. I figured that since my socks rarely match, let alone anything else, I was absolutely free of any concern of perfectionism.

Yet, there I was struggling with deep questions of worth and acceptance of myself when the moments got quiet enough for me to pay attention. I see now that my version of perfectionism was holding myself to standards that were unattainable and then scolding and shaming myself when I didn’t reach my own self-imposed standards. This is the ugly side of perfection. The side that shames, scolds, belittles and exaggerates instead of celebrating what was done well.

Friend, take my hand and step out of that pit.

We are not perfect. We don’t have to be. A little step toward a healthier thought life, a healthier relationship, a healthier body, or a healthier understanding of your purpose is absolutely worthwhile. Neither your nor my worth is wrapped up in what we accomplish. Our worth was endowed upon us at our creation. It cannot be taken away or improved upon. A $100 bill is worth the same whether it is brand new or covered in mud with a red mustache drawn on Ben.

Step away from the mindset that perfect is the goal. Just because you have scars and marks that may never completely disappear from past decisions made, does not mean you have to keep those decisions front and center for the rest of your life. Start practicing to improve instead of perfect. See failure as a chance to learn and nothing more. Forgive yourself and others quickly and freely.

What will you begin to practice getting better at today?

written by Kelli Keller, D.O.