Lose the Rules

Learning to bounce and not break.

Fun fact: I have a teaching degree.
Not just any teaching degree, but a MIDDLE SCHOOL degree.

Yeah, I’m one of the crazies that just loves that awkward, confused and sassy stage of life (I’m sure that tells a lot about me on a deeper level…but we’ll save that for later)! I also happen to love a good science experiment. So when a presenter recently mentioned the importance of bouncing instead of breaking, my middle school wheels started turning!

Maybe you recall the magic of soaking an egg in vinegar from your own 7th grade science class (the smell still tickles my nostrils). If not, you totally have to try it!

Yet, as I reflected on the subject of the presentation - Resilience - I couldn’t help but get a bit frustrated. A comment was made in reference to being the type of person that learns to bounce instead of break when the stressors of life hit. I agreed that this was nice imagery, but it lacked practical application.

Wouldn’t we all prefer to roll with the punches? Yet, often enough life has felt more like I’d been rolled up into a punching bag. So, how does one learn to bounce?

I’ve thought a lot about that and here is where I have landed: Challenge the rules you follow.

Maybe you’re thinking, “What kind of teacher encourages rules to be challenged?!”

Simple: The kind that wants you to think. Think about the purpose. Think about the intended outcome.

You see, we tend to think rules help us - and some do. For example, “Red means stop.” We all know that running a stop light could be catastrophic for you and others.

Or maybe, “Do not steal,” is more your jam. Generally, stealing is an obvious affront to one person’s hard work by another that thinks they are entitled to the same thing without any work.

Yet, when we dig a bit deeper we all hold ourselves and others up to rules that we may not be so quick to write out, but they hold great control over our thoughts, actions and emotions.

Most come from a place of good intentions. Yet, well intended or not, they can be incredibly harmful.

One of my unspoken rules (until recently) was, “A good mom makes sure the family sits and eats a good meal together for super.”

To be honest, this is hard to write because it is still a bit raw. Especially as I recognize the pain it has caused now that this rule has been exposed as both lie and shame to my heart and mind.

The “rule” came from an intention to be a good mom and wife. The result was me feeling like a failure most of the time. You see, no matter what was accomplished or enjoyed during a day, if the nightly meal didn’t fit the vague qualification of “good” and/or it wasn’t all of us together, then by rule I was not a good mom.

It sounds silly that I could believe such hogwash, but it underscores that even silliness can pass as a worthwhile rule to live by if not challenged by truth.

When the interrogation light of truth is placed on this thought, it becomes clear that the spirit of the rule is to desire that the family be together, enjoying one another’s company and learning to grow together. The meal (fancy pants to frozen pizza) does not matter. Furthermore, if getting everyone to sit, eat or anything else for that matter at the same time leads to screaming, tears or any other sign of anxiety and distress, the goal of showing love, grace and joy has been completely missed.

My new rule: Everyone needs to know they are loved and known. That will likely involve making sure they are fed at some point (my children’s most common comment is, “I’m hungry”…so food of some sort is a given in this house.)

I can honestly say there have been fewer cracking moments surrounding the dinner table since I started challenging my unspoken rule. I guess that means that this egg soaked long enough in that vinegar to learn to bounce a bit.

I’m sure there are plenty of other unspoken rules that will be revealed to me as I grow and continue to learn. That doesn’t worry me. I know that uncovering my blemishes gives me the opportunity to experience more grace, more forgiveness, more healing, more life.

What about you? What rules do you live by that are not just unreasonable or unnecessary, but are actually increasing the pain in your life?

I encourage you to look for them and then challenge them. Just like vinegar, it might stink for a bit, but after going through it and removing yourself from it, you may just find you’re better suited for bouncing than breaking after all.

written by Kelli Keller, D.O.